Somehow i keep managing to hang on. But will i ever do more than just hang on, or so i only just want to "hang on"? Pushing the envelope of life. But i can't do that forever. I am one year from being 30 years old. I need to get things in order. But there are so many things I want to do. How to decide what even is the way to "get things in order"? One thing seems certain. I'm very very tired of living on the edge financially. Something has got to change.

The most important thing to me is still music and art. Reaching toward truth and beauty. Etcetera. I need to, want to, make a break for it, so to speak?

What's gone wrong? Something has gone wrong, in the last 3 years. Was it CalArts? Was it SanFrancisco? Was it, is it, the computers? Somehow I feel like something has gone. Hopefully not forever.